In this podcast, Elena continues her conversation with Tatiana. The focus is on how roles, money and daily responsibilities change after relocation, and what this does to a couple.
Elena: Last time we talked a lot about stress from the move and about how children often show first how hard it is for the whole family. The next logical topic is roles. What happens in a couple when the country changes — and with it the way we work, earn, keep the house running and deal with documents.
Tatiana: This is exactly the area where tension usually grows quietly. In your home country many things “sorted themselves out”: grandparents helped, friends were near, services were familiar. In a new country it feels like everything starts from zero, and old agreements no longer work. One partner finds a job first, the other takes care of the home, children, lines in offices. If no one talks about it, both can start to feel that the situation is unfair.
Elena: I often see this picture. One partner brings in the income and feels that this is the “main contribution”. The other partner organises everything else: home, food, school, doctors, insurance, documents. On paper everyone agrees that this is also work. But if you do not say it clearly, the person who is “just at home” feels invisible.
Tatiana: Here it is very important to learn to name your state. For example: “I am tired, too much is on me, let’s share these tasks”, or “It is hard for me that I do not earn now, let’s think how I can contribute in another way”. Many people are not used to speaking like this. Under strong stress, they try to cover the feeling instead — with illness, constant activity, or even addictions — instead of talking about it.
A simple but effective tool is a small “round table” at home. Sit down and list everything that exists in your daily life: work, children, cooking, cleaning, school, activities, doctors, documents, communication with offices, learning the language. Then look together: what can I take, what is easier for you, what can we give to professionals. For example, one partner may feel that they cannot deal with documents at all — and that is okay. If the other is better with bureaucracy, they take it, and in return the first partner takes other tasks.
Elena: From the relocation side I see how much time families lose when they try to do every document on their own, especially in a foreign language. Sometimes our team does in one hour what would take them ten hours. This is not because they are “worse”, but because this is our daily work. Very often it is more effective to earn money in your own field and pay a specialist, than to burn out on things that are too complex and stressful.
Tatiana: The same is true for money in general. Money questions are one of the main hidden sources of conflict. Who pays for what, how the budget is shared, which expenses must be discussed and which are personal. If you do not talk about this, each person has their own picture in their head, and reality does not match it. Then even a small purchase can feel like a lack of respect.
In my family we also talk directly about the value of time. At some point I suggested paying my husband for taking out the trash, and he said: “My hour costs more; we can pay someone to do this”. It was a joke, but there is logic there. Sometimes it is better to pay for cleaning, delivery or paper work and get back hours of your life for what really matters.
Elena: Small regular “strategy” moments help a lot. For some couples it is a morning coffee, for others an evening walk with the children. This is not a heavy “meeting”, just a time when you can say: who takes which task this week, what expenses are coming, where each of you is tired. This reduces silent expectations and hidden frustration.
Tatiana: And again, children reflect all of this. If there is strong tension between adults about roles and money, children show it. They may cry more, become more stubborn, or close up. It is not about “fixing the child”, but about looking honestly at what is happening between parents.
Balance in a couple does not mean “exactly 50/50”. It means “fair and possible for us right now”. Sometimes one partner earns more, the other carries more of the home and emotional work. Important is that both feel that their contribution is seen and valued. And that from time to time you review your agreements, because life in emigration changes.
In the third article we will move to another important layer — the social circle. We will talk about “loneliness in a crowd”, why even with a family you can feel alone after a move, and how to build a new social circle in Portugal, even if you are an introvert or your language is not strong yet.
If you feel that you are drowning in housework, paperwork, city search, schools and hard conversations at the same time, the RelyOn Relocation® team can take over the technical and bureaucratic part of your move — from policies and mortgages to everyday services — so you have more space for calm decisions and real connection. Book a consultation — secure your future today.
